Wednesday 21 February 2018
Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. It was at that time, I had to come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have children. It was a thought that never went away…should I be freezing my eggs? Should I just try and have children now, and worry about a career down the track? Should I just go it alone and find a sperm donor? Or should I settle for the sake of trying to have a baby, and not necessarily be head over heels in love with the guy? These are the sorts of scenarios I played out in my head regularly.
You see, I have a problem. I’m sure lots of people share it with me – I’m big on the “what ifs…” and I waste a lot of my mental and emotional energy on them. I seem to naturally lean towards focusing on the negative what ifs too. What if all those years ago I had said to myself – “what if you’re going to find your soul mate and fall in love?” What if you’re going to be a mum at 26.” Would I have been a better person for it? I’ll never know. But what I do know, is that the fear of being told I might not have something, made me want it even more. And that sheer determination has lead me to where I am now – sitting watching my seven-week-old son (who I conceived naturally and gave birth to without any complications).
Looking back now, from the day I first felt excruciating pain, to having that small human being in my arms - that’s a 15-year journey. Over that period, I battled post-operative depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, university study, failed relationships and other serious health conditions. That was all pretty rough, but the hardest thing – was telling your potential partner that you may never be able to give them a family…and you had to lay it on the table, it was only fair. Some people out there couldn’t cope without that reality, and I don’t blame them…I don’t know if I would have coped. But I was lucky, I fell in love with a man who loved me for me and the possibilities…and reassured me almost weekly that one day I would be a mum in some shape or form.
This blog has played a huge part in my journey, I get messages all the time from girls who have PCOS and endometriosis. Messages seeking advice, or sharing gratitude for my openness and honesty. Each one reminds me that this blog has a place and the potential to help change lives, and every day I think about things I could be writing or sharing in this space to help that. But, I’ve come to be such a perfectionist that I write a post, and it just sits there and I think to myself – I’ll share that one day, or I’ll wait until I have a chance to edit it properly. I only posted a couple of times during pregnancy, I haven’t even shared a photo of my son or announced his birth.
But I need and want to share – because I have a bank of stories and trials which got me to have that precious little boy, and one thing might just be the game changer for someone else. So, in a nutshell, I’m sorry for my absence, I’ve needed a break to re-assess what Embracing It was all about. This year, I’ll be chipping away at sharing more of that story in detail and working out what else I can bring to the table.
Oh yeah – most importantly, this is my son – my miracle. His name is Riley Blake Golebiowski. He was born on Friday 29th December 2017 at 8.08pm, weighing 3.37kg. I was 37 weeks and 4 days when it all happened. If you’re wondering, endometriosis pains do prepare you for labour! They’re a very different kind of pain and you get a life-changing reward at the end of it. A reward with a whole new appreciation of life and respect for your body. As I sit with maybe three hours sleep under my belt and covered in spew, I accept that I wouldn’t change any part of my journey, and I’m ready to embrace motherhood.